Vive la difference: Why culture warriors need to stop condemning people like me as 'phobes'

I love a difference. Differences fascinate and entertain and educate. Or at least, they should. We should be happy with our differences. However we humans do not seem to be particularly adept at intrinsic happinesses. Few of us attain the contentment that we could, were we able, simply, to stand and say – as comedian and impressionist Mike Yarwood used to at the end of his show – “and this is me”.

As you may know, I am currently in Kenya and, where I live here, I am the only ‘mzungu’ in the village. Mzungu meaning 'foreigner'. All things considered, I think I am tolerated pretty well. I am stared at a lot, which is not exactly a problem for someone who was called “the future of comedy” by a Fringe reviewer in 1991. I get asked for money a lot, which is more of a problem for someone who never managed to live up to that review.

My hair gets touched because it is "funny” and my skin gets felt because the kids want to know if it feels the same as theirs. I think this is all good healthy curiosity and to be encouraged.

There is a difference between 'pride' and being 'glad to be gay', says Kate Copstick (Picture: Cameron Smith/Getty Images for the Birmingham 2022 Festival)

The importance of accents

I have just had an enlightening conversation with my friend Felista. She never pronounces the letter 'L'. And it is confusing sometimes. So, for example, the word 'land' becomes 'raad'. And I have no idea what she is talking about. Until I stop to consider that in Gikuyu – her native tongue and first of her three languages – the letter 'L' just does not exist.

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The way we speak, of course, is a huge indicator, albeit more in England than Scotland, of how worthy we are. Yes, we in Scotland will snigger at the 'pan loaf' attempt to drag one's vowels up the social scale and smile sympathetically at the slowness of Doric.

I remember well, when, at Paisley Grammar School we had a science teacher who was English, with a vaguely RP accent. And so she pronounced the words 'ion' and 'iron' in exactly the same way. We were somewhere between confused and amused. Ditto 'what' and 'watt'. And she did not seem to understand what was funny about this. Fascinating.

Posh vs non-posh

It all goes horribly wrong when we slap a hierarchical value system on differences, which, of course, we do. That RP accent, certainly then, was considered a cut above anything that came from Paisley. But, in essence, it is merely different.

Posh people are different from non-posh, and, without the heierarchy, we all might find out a bit more about each other, rather than resenting or despising. I had a posh girlfriend once and it was a fascinating insight into another way of life. We went to a dinner party and I was doing my best – in my non-posh way – to impress her even more posh sister with my witty chat.

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At the end of the first course, I heard the gentle clatter of plates and put my hands out to lift mine to the pile. “Oh my goodness,” cried the sister, with a look of some horror, “They're stacking at table! Whatever next?” Absolutely no idea what she meant. But some time later I learned that one is supposed to have staff to come and remove plates once finished with, or to have one of the hosts do it if staff are… not available. The relationship lasted quite some time.

Value judgments, reasons to fear

Really, 'we' don't, necessarily create the hierarchies, but there is always someone in a position of power, in whose interests it is so to do. Usually one of the Three Horsemen of the Modern Apocalypse: Money, Religion and Politics.

They turn differences into insults, into value judgments, and into reasons to fear. It is not long at all before those ideas become ingrained and we have toxic stereotyping and a world of 'isms'. And so we get an easy go-to calculator as to whether I am better than you.

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Coming from Paisley, the importance of the identity of the leg with which you kick never failed or fails to appal me. Especially as so many of those who need to know are total strangers either to the King James team or to what my uncle used to call the church with “the smoking handbag”. They simply want to take that difference and beat each other over the head with it. But that is religion for you.

Asking questions

Nowadays with younger generations, the plethora of new and exciting 'differences' are pounced upon – or even, might I suggest, in part created, certainly encouraged – by marketing executives and social media. Everyone who is anything has a flag and a day and has Pride. Lots of important, marketable Pride.

Which is lovely, but exhausting when we are expected to 'stand with' every new subgroup of humankind that 'comes out', on pain of being whatever-phobic. I rather liked it when we were just singing if we were 'Glad To Be Gay', in a general kind of jolly way to celebrate difference.

Now, I began by saying that I am fascinated by difference. And I am. And I will find out about your difference at my own rate and I might even learn to understand it and I will respect it. Now undoubtedly the best way to do that is to feel I can ask you about it. Without being made to feel stupid or intrusive or insulting or a 'phobe’ or in any other way wrong. Can I?