The green witch's guide to relationships

Rebecca Beattie stayed single for three or four years before starting a new relationship

I am not one of life’s Carrie Bradshaws – I was never much of a dater. Instead, I used to describe myself as a serial monogamist – jumping from one (dysfunctional) relationship into another, with barely a breeze blowing between them. When my marriage started to dash itself on the rocks in my late forties, I realised this approach to life was seriously affecting my health. I had to make some changes.

I always told friends that I wouldn’t look for another partner, but when you reach your middle years and the last time you were single was when you were 15, being alone can be a daunting prospect. People would ask if I had joined any dating apps, and my response to that was to pull a face. I was never going to find happiness in a singles bar, on an app or on a blind date.

Before I could seek someone new, I needed to deal with my lousy life choices… I realised I had achieved that old counselling cliché – you can either choose to feel that you have been ill-used by each partner, or you can recognise the one thing they all have in common – you.

I am going to share some of the hurdles I had to jump, in the hopes that if – like me – you are feeling your relationship history has more in common with a crime-scene investigation than a romance series, it might serve as a modern parable. It is possible to change, and you can turn your old relationship patterns from a saggy old jumper into a piece of haute couture you are proud to wear. It will, however, take courage, honesty, and determination.

An Anti-Love Spell

Before we go any further, there is one more detail I need to share. I am a practicing witch. You might think that means I could be using acts of magic to get me out of a fix, and while I would love to tell you that with just one twitch of my nose, I could conjure up a love spell, it’s not that simple. While magic can give you a foot in the door, it still requires work in the real world. For example, if you want to find love, you might take some slips of paper, and write on them the qualities you are looking for in a new lover. You could then fill a glass jar with those slips of paper, dried rose petals, and rose oil, and light a pink candle on the top of it to charge it with your intention. However, you would still need to get out there and take action, as things don’t just land in your lap.

As I didn’t want to fall in love with a wrong-un again, I decided to cast an anti-love spell to keep myself out of trouble. I listed a lot of qualities I couldn’t possibly find in one person, and then I got to work on changing me. But first, I needed to uncover my patterns and understand them better.

Avoiding the Crack High

Did you know that psychologists have likened the emotional rush of a new relationship to a crack high? This is why we can get carried away and forget who we were before we fell in love. I needed to use my head more than my heart, so as not to make choices based on the purely emotional response. That did not mean I wasn’t allowed to have crushes on people – in fact, forensically dissecting what was happening during my latest passion was a crucial element in identifying my pattern and interrupting it, but it did mean I had to stay as grounded as possible so that I could make those deeper changes.

If you are struggling to keep your feet on the ground, it is important to buy yourself some time to allow the endorphins to dissipate before you make any decisions. To do this, you could take yourself off alone for a walk in nature. Start to focus on what you can see, feel, hear, touch, and taste around you in the natural world. By bringing your awareness to this sensory information, you bring yourself back into the ‘now’, which can stop you from getting carried away.

Re-writing Your Own Story

Your next task is to carry out a relationship inventory, so you can really learn and change your patterns. I would invite you to find a quiet spot and spend some time with a notebook and pen. If it feels painful, imagine how your relationships would look if you were curled up on the sofa watching a movie of them.

Ask yourself the following questions:

§ How would you summarise the plot of your relationship movie?

§ What was going on in your life at that time?

§ What positive and negative traits did they have, or bring out in you?

§ When you split up, what were the circumstances?

§ How many of your relationship rules did they break?

When you look at each relationship in turn, you should start to build up a pattern across the plotlines. What do you start to notice when you look at the bigger picture?

Once I had done this, I knew that all my relationships had started in the same way – girl meets emotionally unavailable boy, girl likes him all the more as he represents a challenge, and girl makes all the first moves. I knew if I was ever going to meet someone who was good for me, I had to break that plot line and write myself a new script.

Loving your Single Life

The final piece of advice I would give you when navigating singledom is to find happiness alone. Yes – you read that right. You are far more likely to meet someone positive if you create the life you would love to lead. For me that meant identifying all the things that bring me joy and doing as much of them as possible.

For instance, if you love walking, go and join a rambler’s group. If medieval re-enactment is your thing, go and find a group of people who do it and join in. If you are out in the world, fully signed up to all the things you love doing, even if you never meet anyone, you will be having fun. The truth is you don’t need a partner to make you happy – that’s your responsibility. It is one of the great mysteries of life that by creating your happiness alone, you are more likely to find fulfilment with someone like-minded who complements you.

I didn’t set a timescale on how long I needed to be single. In the end, I chose to spend three or four years alone – and I loved every minute of them. My new partner emerged from a group of friends I had known for 20 years, except somehow, he and I had never quite met until the timing was right. I knew him when I met him as he (annoyingly) had all those pesky good qualities I had listed in my anti-love spell, so, as they say, be careful what you wish for...

The Way Through the Woods by Rebecca Beattie is published by Elliott & Thompson (hardback, £14.99)